why, oh why, do i want to bongo. wherefore the urge to bongo. whither “bongo desire”. i’ve had a lot on my mind in the two months since the faux pas blog went offline - and we’ll get to the rest of it soon enough, for sure - but lets start with the bongos.

why i want to learn bongos fact #1: i want to stare at men’s crotches.

this is a man pummelling his bongos. these are the exact same model of bongos that i received as a birthday gift on sunday. all that is left for me now is to buy this exact pair of jeans. oingo bongo.

in much the same way as the sensual curves of a cello seem at home between the legs of a voluptuous and skilled lady cellist - a cellady - so too is the proper place of the bongos between a bald man’s legs.

please forgive me if this gets a little technical. see here how the bongos form perfectly the third side of a holy bongojunk triangle - the bongoists strong thighs providing the two side tiers, the bongos the solid platform at the base of the triangle. and of course, at the peak of the triangle, the bongoists holy junk.

as your fingers tap out a pleasing rhythm on the skins - some call this the act of “fingering your bongos” - a metatronic form of energy builds in the base of the bongojunk triangle, which then is transferred up the thigh-trunks towards the peak of the bongojunk triangle, vis a vis the holy junk, where it is stored for later use.

really the most important decision to be made is whether or not to wear shorts. there is a school of thought that claims the increased airflow generated by wearing shorts helps to facilitate the transfer of the bongo energy towards the junk-peak. if you ask me, it simply depends on how comfortable you are with upskirting yourself. which brings me to:

why i want to learn bongos fact #2: i want people to stare at my crotch.

so too, could it be said, that a desire to learn bongos is also a desire to have your crotch looked at by others. i can’t deny the appeal of this aspect. if you think about it, there are very few socially acceptable ways to get people to stare at your crotchal area. showing them your new belt buckle: yes. squeezing a percussive instrument between your legs and belting out a latin rhythm: yes. pointing at your junk and saying “take a look at my holy junk”: no. pointing at your bongojunk triangle and saying “take a look at my holy bongojunk triangle.. and say a prayer”: yes.

prayers made at a holy bongojunk altar often lead to visions in the form of passion fruit:

i’m in new zealand, see you in a few weeks

in other news… our radio show on 3rrr has now moved to sunday evenings! 8-10pm! we are also podcasting the show again, after a summer hiatus mostly due to laziness. go stream/download/whatever.

while you are at it - “noise in my head” (our new neighbour on the 3rrr grid) has just started podcasting as well. download recent mixes by bumrocks, canyons, and more.

some good tunes around the blogs:
- kano (the 1980 italian disco dudes, not the grime guy) “i’m ready” perfect slice of italo-disco funk at going other places
- undomondo uncovers italy’s newest tropicalia troubadour giorgio tuma and his ‘vocalese fun fair’ - totally technicolor!
- silence is a rhythm too has so i’m jo, australia’s answer to the junior boys. check out this last.fm photo. too handsome!

also, big thanks to silence is a rhythm too, as well as disco delicious & einstein music journal, for some flattering recent features on faux pas. particularly digging the EMJ writeup: “with cascading synths and bleeps and SFX melting together in a hazy bowl of noise, it’s like eavesdropping on your crush’s dreams.” totally nailing that stalker vibe i’m going for

4 months on and people are still finding the waterfalls ep, its got legs and knows how to use them. 4000 downloads and counting. new music coming soon, i hope!

every now and then, i answer some questions.

Lee, again, asks:

the glock comes in at like 1.5 seconds doesn’t it haha? … at 1:30 def some glock =D.

oh that. no i think thats some kind of bad electronic congo sound i pulled from some drum machine.

Eric asks:

Does listening to your songs grant me access to any musical “prestige classes”, or am i going to have to earn experience points by defeating Isaac Hayes with my +5 Vorpal Amplifier of Serious Smoothness first?

clever. i see what you did there, eric.

oh, d&d, how i miss you. my regular d&d group hasn’t played for around 6 months - one of the dudes went and had a baby and it RUINED EVERYTHING. no, that’s not true. i’m sure the birth was just a coincidence. still… a pox on you and your child.

my dungeons & dragons character is theo, he is a carmendine monk wandering the forgotten realms with his brothers. he comes from an order of monks known as the zealots of the written word, they combine kung fu knowledge with wizardry. technically, he is a conjurer. he carries a masterwork kama and has some messed up special abilities. like, four times a day, he can teleport 10 feet immediately in any direction. very handy in melee.

one of his favourite spells is glitterdust - one of the campest spells invented ever, theo rubs his fingers together and then his opponents are covered in glittery gold fairy dust, temporarily blinded. another of his favourite spells is belker claws - claws of smoke jut out from his hands and tear into a nearby enemy causing severe damage. i like to imagine him doing some kind of kung fu flourish at this point.

did i mention he bears a striking resemblance to an adult malcolm jamal-warner?

i’m a fuckin bad-ass

theo and his pals are currently poised on a cliffhanger - at the end of our last session we were about to have our asses handed to us by miscellaneous demons entering an evil church via recently opened gates of hell. should have seen it coming really.

if you want to play theo in your own campaigns - and trust me, you do - here is theo’s character sheet.

send your questions to asktim@iamfauxpas.com. i’ll quote your first name on the blog unless you request anonymity.

MP3: Phil Collins - Droned

MP3: Faux Pas - Droner Jam demo