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birthday bongos

why, oh why, do i want to bongo. wherefore the urge to bongo. whither “bongo desire”. i’ve had a lot on my mind in the two months since the faux pas blog went offline – and we’ll get to the rest of it soon enough, for sure – but lets start with the bongos.

why i want to learn bongos fact #1: i want to stare at men’s crotches.

this is a man pummelling his bongos. these are the exact same model of bongos that i received as a birthday gift on sunday. all that is left for me now is to buy this exact pair of jeans. oingo bongo.

in much the same way as the sensual curves of a cello seem at home between the legs of a voluptuous and skilled lady cellist – a cellady – so too is the proper place of the bongos between a bald man’s legs.

please forgive me if this gets a little technical. see here how the bongos form perfectly the third side of a holy bongojunk triangle – the bongoists strong thighs providing the two side tiers, the bongos the solid platform at the base of the triangle. and of course, at the peak of the triangle, the bongoists holy junk.

as your fingers tap out a pleasing rhythm on the skins – some call this the act of “fingering your bongos” – a metatronic form of energy builds in the base of the bongojunk triangle, which then is transferred up the thigh-trunks towards the peak of the bongojunk triangle, vis a vis the holy junk, where it is stored for later use.

really the most important decision to be made is whether or not to wear shorts. there is a school of thought that claims the increased airflow generated by wearing shorts helps to facilitate the transfer of the bongo energy towards the junk-peak. if you ask me, it simply depends on how comfortable you are with upskirting yourself. which brings me to:

why i want to learn bongos fact #2: i want people to stare at my crotch.

so too, could it be said, that a desire to learn bongos is also a desire to have your crotch looked at by others. i can’t deny the appeal of this aspect. if you think about it, there are very few socially acceptable ways to get people to stare at your crotchal area. showing them your new belt buckle: yes. squeezing a percussive instrument between your legs and belting out a latin rhythm: yes. pointing at your junk and saying “take a look at my holy junk”: no. pointing at your bongojunk triangle and saying “take a look at my holy bongojunk triangle.. and say a prayer”: yes.

prayers made at a holy bongojunk altar often lead to visions in the form of passion fruit:

1 comment:

1 Brad N { 06.30.09 at 10:34 pm }

I’m a male cellist and your post has made me all confused about my sexuality.

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February 2010

/// The second Faux Pas full-length is called Noiseworks and will be released in April 2010. Its a joint release between Sensory Projects and Heroics.

/// See the awesome cover art (courtesy of New York artist Tomokazu Matsuyama) here.

/// The new record features extended versions of singles “Chasing Waterfalls” and “Silver Line” – the single edits however, are still available for free download.

/// Also, you can listen to four remixes of Silver Line (courtesy of Kharkov, Kane Ikin, Loopsnake and myself) here.

/// Lastly – I’ve started posting a demo or spontaneous jam once a week on my Facebook page. It has been going for a few weeks. Be warned: results may vary. Check it out – you don’t need to be a Facebook member to listen/download them.

Tim Shiel lives and in Melbourne. He makes music under the name FAUX PAS, and is also a broadcaster on public radio station 3RRR FM. This blog began in 2005.

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Tim’s SUPER RAD BIOGRAPHY

1981: Born in Melbourne Australia, life feels empty and without meaning

2005: FAUX PAS created – life still meaningless

2009: Tim writes brand new three-line biography

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Photos by James McCulloch

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“Psychedelic. Balearic. Straight up pop. Call it what you want, this is memorable music.” keytarsandviolins

“Impressive elastic strands of plaited sense associations; extract of flashy disco, pastoral swoon and computer exploration.” threethousand

“A total cottage industry – one guy recording, pressing and releasing his own music – and it’s an example of how to do it right from the bottom up.” Stylus

“A manic journey of sounds, bound by neither genre nor era.” Beat

“Cuts-and-pastes big samples with delicately rendered instrumentation. A party jam. Four stars.” Pitchfork