why, oh why, do i want to bongo. wherefore the urge to bongo. whither “bongo desire”. i’ve had a lot on my mind in the two months since the faux pas blog went offline – and we’ll get to the rest of it soon enough, for sure – but lets start with the bongos.

why i want to learn bongos fact #1: i want to stare at men’s crotches.

this is a man pummelling his bongos. these are the exact same model of bongos that i received as a birthday gift on sunday. all that is left for me now is to buy this exact pair of jeans. oingo bongo.

in much the same way as the sensual curves of a cello seem at home between the legs of a voluptuous and skilled lady cellist – a cellady – so too is the proper place of the bongos between a bald man’s legs.

please forgive me if this gets a little technical. see here how the bongos form perfectly the third side of a holy bongojunk triangle – the bongoists strong thighs providing the two side tiers, the bongos the solid platform at the base of the triangle. and of course, at the peak of the triangle, the bongoists holy junk.

as your fingers tap out a pleasing rhythm on the skins – some call this the act of “fingering your bongos” – a metatronic form of energy builds in the base of the bongojunk triangle, which then is transferred up the thigh-trunks towards the peak of the bongojunk triangle, vis a vis the holy junk, where it is stored for later use.

really the most important decision to be made is whether or not to wear shorts. there is a school of thought that claims the increased airflow generated by wearing shorts helps to facilitate the transfer of the bongo energy towards the junk-peak. if you ask me, it simply depends on how comfortable you are with upskirting yourself. which brings me to:

why i want to learn bongos fact #2: i want people to stare at my crotch.

so too, could it be said, that a desire to learn bongos is also a desire to have your crotch looked at by others. i can’t deny the appeal of this aspect. if you think about it, there are very few socially acceptable ways to get people to stare at your crotchal area. showing them your new belt buckle: yes. squeezing a percussive instrument between your legs and belting out a latin rhythm: yes. pointing at your junk and saying “take a look at my holy junk”: no. pointing at your bongojunk triangle and saying “take a look at my holy bongojunk triangle.. and say a prayer”: yes.

prayers made at a holy bongojunk altar often lead to visions in the form of passion fruit: